The Fourth Wise Man

 

 

 

And now, a reading from the Holy Gospel. 

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1. It was wintertime. The year? 0. 

 

2. A very wise man named Jericho lived in a faraway land, spending his time solving riddles and doing math problems on his abacus, until one night, an angel appeared to him in a dream. “Lo, I say to you, there has been a birth: the King of the Jews, the Savior of the world, was born in the town of Bethlehem.”

 

3. “Mazel tov,” said Jericho.

 

4. The angel told him that three wise men had already started their journey to see the newborn king, bearing gifts and guided by the light of a bright star. 

 

5. “Angel,” said Jericho, “I, too, am a wise man-- the fourth one, and wiser than the other three. And as the wisest of the wise men, it is only fitting that I should bring the wisest gift for a baby.”
 

6. “And that is…?” asked the angel.

 

7. And Jericho told him. “Treasury bonds. Treasury bonds are a practical, sensible gift that help children learn about financial responsibility. It will teach the newborn King to appreciate savings with first-hand experience holding stocks and bonds.”

 

8. “Okay,” said the angel. “That’s fine.”

 

9. And with great haste, Jericho gathered his traveling cloak and his ass and he rode his ass through many foreign lands on his ass. 

 

10. Jericho met many strangers along the road to Bethlehem. And it saddened him that many of the strangers did not seem to understand how practical and sensible the gift of a savings bond is. They would suggest you buy something else for the baby, like a toy, or blanket, or a Peppa Pig. But Jericho corrected the ignorance of these Philistines, reminding them that a savings bond gets more valuable as you age, but a toy would only stay the same amount of value, and is therefore the gift of a fool. 

 

11. Jericho traveled to the summit of a great mountain on the edge of Nabatea. It is there that he saw a wicked creature of Satan, a foul beast with the head of a woman and the body of a woman. It spoke in riddles, and gazed at Jericho with evil eyes. 

 

12. “You are wise,” said the beast, “But I am wiser. Answer my question and I will let you live. Fail, and I will consume you.”

 

13. Jericho said, “Ah, but I am the wisest man of all, and possess the power of God.” 

 

14. The beast flashed its fangs, and said unto Jericho, “What is the ultimate treasure of man? Is it, A. Series EE bonds, which pay a fixed interest rate, or B. Series I bonds, which earn interest based on the combination of a fixed rate and a semiannual inflation rate?”

 

15. And Jericho laughed, for it was then he knew the Lord was on his side. “Both are wise investments,” said Jericho, “But it is the Series EE bond that guarantees to double in value 25 years after investment, whereas Series I bonds do not.”

 

16. And in frustration and anger, the beast leapt to its death from the top of the mountain. Its eyes were eaten by swine and its body was devoured by Jericho’s ass.

 

 

Chapter 2

 

17. Guided by the Star of Bethlehem, Jericho traveled to the manger of the Savior, having spent many hours of his journey telling his ass about financial responsibility.

 

18. One man, who had heard of the birth of Emmanuel, said a birthday cake would be nice, and presented it to Jericho. But Jericho smote the birthday cake, throwing it into the ground, and said, “This is no way to teach children about investments!” And surely God was on his side, for as soon as it hit the ground, the birthday cake was ruined. No one could eat the cake after that.

 

19. And finally, Jericho reached the place of nativity. The other three wise men knelt before the newborn King, presenting the infant with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. 

 

20. When the three wise men had finished presenting their gifts, Jericho stepped forth. It was then that he brought out a folded envelope and presented the child’s parents with two checks, each worth one silver. Smiling, Jericho explained that in just twenty-five years time, each of the checks would be worth two silver instead of one. Therefore, this is the best gift of them all. 

 

21. When the other wise men saw how smart and practical Jericho’s gift was, they became jealous and resented him for it. 

 

22. But the parents of the infant considered the words of Jericho, and said to him. “Just as the Lord has blessed us with this Child, you, Jericho, have blessed us as well. For it is important that young people learn to appreciate savings with first-hand experience holding stocks or bonds.”

 

23. “It is true,” said Virgin Mother. “This gift will not only teach our Son about financial responsibility, but it can eventually be put towards college, or perhaps an initial down payment on a house or an apartment.”

 

24. “And what will you do with the other gifts?” asked Jericho.

 

25. “Probably regift them,” Joseph said. 

 

26. And he did. 

 

27. And the baby looked at Jericho and smiled, and it was then that Jericho was touched by the Spirit of the Lord. Jericho did not realize it, but the baby Christ had performed his first miracle that day. For when Jericho left Bethlehem and traveled back to his village, he reached a place where he was financially comfortable enough to retire in his late 40’s, spending the rest of his days doing puzzles and living comfortably off his savings with his ass. 

 

28. Amen.