The Kinder Who Loved to Eat Karschtüppel

 

 

Once upon a time there were two kinder named Wilhelm and Gunter. They were ordinary in every way, except they loved to eat Karschtüppel.

 

“I want Karschtüppel! I must have Karschtüppel! Make us more Karschtüppel!,” the kids would cry to their parents. But their mother would not make Karschtüppel because it was not St. Peter’s Day.

 

But the kinder loved the Karschtüppel so much that they begged for it anyway. “Mother, father,” they pleaded. “We must have more Karschtüppel, and we will not hear otherwise!”

 

After lots of screaming and yelling from the kinder, the mother finally agreed to make the kinder Karschtüppel.

 

But there was a problem.

 

“I cannot make Karschtüppel because I am out of peach schnapps, which is the secret to making good Karschtüppel. And I cannot go to the village myself because I am too tired from pickling the cabbage to make Karschtüppel.”

 

But the father said, “We should send the kinder to the village for ingredients. The road through the forest can be quite dangerous, but the kinder are ten years old. In a year’s time they will be married, and have farms of their own.” 

 

The mother agreed, and Wilhelm and Gunter were sent out into the forest to get peach-flavored schnapps for the Karschtüppel.

 

The kinder walked through the forest for many miles, but soon realized that they were quite hungry. Their stomachs growled as they thought about tasty Karschtuppel, even though only a naughty child would even THINK about eating it before St. Peter’s Day. Their hunger grew so much that they could practically smell it.

 

And in fact, they could smell it, because there was a Karschtüppel cart on the side of the road.

 

The children ran to the cart, but were so hungry that they did not realize it was not a man pushing the cart, but a dangerous threat: it was a Huguenot.

 

“Fresh, hot Karschtüppel! Who wants Karschtüppel? Hello, kinder, how would you like a taste of my Karschtüppel? ” the Huguenot asked in his stupid voice.

 

And the kinder were tempted. 

 

“Gunter, if we buy the Karschtüppel from this Huguenot, we don’t have to walk all the way to the village for peach schnapps!” “Hm, you are right. But perhaps we should try a small sample before we buy the Karschtüppel, in case we do not like the taste.”

 

So the kinder decided to risk it because they did not want to wait for their Karschtüppel, and asked the Huguenot for a free sample from his Karschtüppel cart.

 

But the Karschtüppel tasted very bad, because Huguenots are not good cooks and do not know that the secret to making good Karschtüppel is peach schnapps.

 

So the kinder spit out the horrible-tasting Karschtüppel and shouted, “How dare you feed us this slop!” and “You call this Karschtüppel?” 

 

And the kinder were so angry that they began to throw rocks at the Huguenot, cursing him all the while.

 

The Huguenot tried to run away but tripped over his own stumpy legs. He tumbled down a ravine, landing on a big rock and snapping his neck. Then the heavy cart fell on top of the Huguenot, disfiguring him and crushing every bone in his body. Then the cart caught on fire and the Huguenot burned to death, and his rotten body was pinned under the cart for weeks until it was eventually eaten by ravens. 

 

But the kinder did not care, because a villager, who had seen the whole thing, rushed out to meet the kinder.

 

“You have saved us! That Huguenot has been selling inferior Karschtüppel outside of our village for weeks. Please, take this peach schnapps.”

 

The kinder jumped for joy, and ran home as fast as they could.

 

The kinder ran home as fast as they could, and gave the peach schnapps to their mother, who thanked the boys.

 

“By the time St. Peter’s Day comes around, we will have enough Karschtüppel to last a year!”

 

But the kinder screamed at their mother. “We want Karschtüppel NOW! Give us Karschtüppel NOW! We must have Karschtüppel NOW!”

 

And they yelled and berated their parents until they eventually gave in. “Finally, the Karschtüppel is ready! Now we will feast as though we were Crown Prince Ruprecht himself!”

 

And so it was that the kinder ate and ate and ate, and never ran out of Karschtüppel. 

 

But after some time they noticed tingling in their hands and feet. Their parents took them to a doctor and he said, “kinder, you must not eat any more Karschtüppel. You have diabetes.”

 

But the kinder were now very large, and could easily overpower their two parents. They shouted and screamed and banged their ham-sized fists on the floor until their mother and father had no choice but to make more Karschtüppel.

 

And they ate and ate and ate, until the kinder realized their blotchy, swollen feet were covered with open sores.

 

Their parents said, “please, please, do not eat any more Karschtüppel! You must remember that you have diabetes! We will have to amputate your feet!”

 

But the kinder screamed, “We do not need feet. We need Karschtüppel!”

 

Their parents made more Karschtüppel and the kinder continued to gorge themselves until they went blind.

 

The parents begged the kinder to stop, saying, “If you eat any more Karschtüppel, you will definitely die from diabetes!” But the big fat kinder did not care. They only wanted more Karschtüppel.

 

So they ate and ate and ate, until their kidneys failed and they both went into insulin shock. First Gunter and then Wilhelm slipped into diabetic comas, and after, they never woke up again.

 

And so it was that the kinder died because they ate too much Karschtüppel before St. Peter’s Day, the mother died because she made them Karschtüppel before St. Peter’s Day, and then the father died because he was Lutheran.

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THE END